Day 1

Today is the first day of my conscious transformation. I will be documenting as best as possible what it feels like to attempt, as whole-heartedly as possible, self-actualization. Obviously, "self-actualization" is a nebulous and subjective term. I do not pretend it to mean perfection. I merely want to concentrate on keeping my eye on the prize. The prize is happiness, satisfaction, wholeness, joy, freedom, love, confidence, truth. I hypothesize that these all come more or less bundled in the same set of practices.

So I am changing my practices.

Quick personal history: Great Childhood; felt dissonance around 5th grade when I became socially conscious - did some slightly rebellious things with my brother during early teen years; During middle school fell into both the counter-culture of the skate/bmx/snowboard/punk world; and simultaneously into the popularity world of school; In the beginning of high school I started drinking and smoking (magic herbs and cigs), and always had mixed feelings about it. I liked drinking and smoking with friends, but quickly realized that it is a boring road to no where. I still kept doing it anyways, always wanting to stop in the back of my mind. I struggle with this today. I have quit drinking, and cigs, and weed all multiple times (for months, sometimes). I did all of them yesterday - Obviously, i have failed. I am addicted to them. These practices make me lethargic, easily distracted, and unproductive. I hate it. This is what i need to change.

Part of the issue is that I have always wanted to be with all of my friends, who I essentially met before I became a degenerate. Since they are all mixed up in the same self-destructive practices as me, it makes it feel o.k. and justifies my doing it. It is a problem of group think. But, since in the past I have attempted to excommunicate myself from my friends and failed, It might be better to approach it this way: I can still be friends with them, but just not hang out with them on a daily basis. I need to build the habit of abstaining from self-destructive practices independently from them, while i build relationships that revolve around HEALTHY forms of activity. Luckily, I have met a girl recently that helps me do just that!

I would ideally like to still have fun with my friends once or twice a week, my girl every day, and spend serious time everyday working towards my positive goals. I spend way too much time on the internet and dicking around with my friends.

Right now, I am going on a solo hike and smoking the last cigarette from a pack which I hope to be my last. I'll post again later today to see what changes I have started and if I have wasted less time. I don't consider hiking a waste of time, but an essential ingredient for my self-realization. I like, maybe too much, reflection.